Thursday, 25 October 2007

• i'm so bored!!!

  well i'm bored. there are no two ways about it. you have the good bored, and the i'm bored but i don't mind i that much and then you have i'm so bored i want to be hit by a speeding truck just so that i know things still happen around me and that time hasn't frozen.

  well of course time hasn't frozen, that would still be kind. no time is moving as always, or a little faster maybe, but i'm not. it's like a picture of me has been taken and the camera forgot that it was meant to just imprint the light bouncing of me onto a film (sorry not moved into the age of digital cameras quite yet) and decided instead to simply freeze me in that one dreadful moment forever. and now i'm stuck as if someone has put me in a time capsule to be dug up centuries from now when the whole world has reached some new dizzying heights and i'll come to life no better than when i was frozen. quite depressing really.

  well maybe the frozen photograph world i find myself in isn't quite that frozen, maybe it's more like the photographs in Harry Potter. so i can move around and smile stupidly and wave at the world as it passes me by, but the fact of being stuck in that same dreadful point of time doesn't change.

  it seems like everyone around me, everyone i know and even those vague people you keep hearing about from the people you know (curse those 6 degrees of separation) are doing something with their lives. even those who, if one is honest with oneself, i thought would never amount to much. yet here i am, someone who (again being honest at the risk of sounding immodest) most thought would amount to something, here i am doing absolutely nothing with my life.

  doing nothing in fact seems to be my one true talent and calling. if people were paid to do nothing i would be the highest paid, the unchallenged guru of the times with people flocking to seek my advice, and i would probably have written books and gone on lecture tours if it wouldn't have been a violation of my principle of doing nothing. but putting that idyllic thought aside for the moment, i don't seem to have moved an inch towards accomplishing anything in life, anything that would allow me to make something of myself.

  i'm not sure what the exact dictionary meaning of being in a rut is (seeing that i can't even make myself look it up) but i'm sure the picture dictionary would have a photo of me, probably the same one with me smiling stupidly and waving at the camera.

  but i should clarify. to be honest not all of me is frozen in time. though in some aspects i find myself in the exact same place i was in 2 years back or even 5 years back, i guess part of me has grown and dare i say accomplished a little in the process. i appear to have got a couple of degrees along the way and they state that i have been taught a variety of things, though i'm still not convinced. and i definitely am in a happier place emotionally (sob sob call oprah). but the problem is for all my intellectual and emotional development i'm no closer to being self reliant and independent. my parents still call the shots in my life and it seems thats not changing anytime soon. at my age people are already well on their way to greatness i'm told so often. and the anxious look on my parents faces, and their frantic clutching at employment adds reinforces the fact that i'm still frozen where i was 5 years ago.

  i already feel old, this being frozen in time is tiresome. i'm told i have already started getting white hair and i do feel like its time for retirement. all  before i've even started my own life? guess time is moving faster than normal.

  • 12:27 AM
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