Tuesday, 11 April 2006

  • irritate

    "hey there you guys are........where have you been?.........i've been looking all over for you......what are you talking about?.....you'll never guess what happened to me the other day....and you remember that day and the day before.......you know what she said and then this, and then that, and then thisandthat" and then until you wonder which sadistic dimwit decide "and then" should be a part of the english language (not that the particular words or language make a difference to the user). i'm sure we all have friends like this (or rather i need to believe i'm not the only one with the problem) who are nice people at heart but have a tendency to get in your nerves (on nerves is not enough to describe the extent to which some people can actually get into your system and play havoc on your nerves).

    there are many reasons why people irritate....they might have an irritating tone or pitch, or a tendency to direct the conversation to themselves, or a need to be the centre of everyone's attention so not even two others can talk or they might have an opinion on everything or just like cribbing........whatever the reason one thing is for sure none of them know that they are running their fingernails down the blackboard of my mind and even if a 10 ton truck was hurtling towards them at 100 miles per hour they wouldn't get the hint (sorry just getting sadistic pleasure from the picture).

    i just don't know what to do in these situations, cause though i drop hints that are broad enough to be the verbal equivalent of the Great Wall Of China, i can't bluntly tell the person to get lost, after all they are friends and when i'm in a more favourable mood may even be enjoyable company. so i try to bear the torture hoping that the person will break a fingernail while grating it against my head, but of course that doesn't happen (their nails are made from lead, designed to survive nuclear fallouts and all). so in desperation my hints get broader and broader and i start to get a little mean, and then a little meaner until finally even the little drops away, but still no effect....then suddenly i catch a word or phrase, here's my chance i can use it against the person, make fun of them, tease them.....surely this will slow the flow of conversation.......maybe the predator will even become the prey. but how foolish i am, how naive. you don't rise to the top of the food chain by accident. the predator is skilled and experienced. my comments are seen as attention being given, as interest in the conversation, active participation, maybe even acceptance and liking and before i know it, with a skillful twist the predator has the conversation firmly back in its grasp and i can feel the last bits of my resistance snapping like the neck of a gazelle in the mighty jaws of a lion and slowly i sink into oblivion.

    things take an interesting twist when the predator decides to hunt an entire group. the situation then begins to resemble the classic "staring competition" who will blink first?.......who will back down? the herd (group) stays together trying to outlast the predator in anticipation of freedom once its gone. maybe it will get bored and leave, it might have to go home, or for classes, maybe it has to take its mate for dinner, or mummy might be calling, anything. but this again is wishful thinking. the predator is blessed with amazing patience (no doubt derived from extreme interest in self) you can not out last it. again it probably became a predator because it had no where to go (mean) and no one to call it (meaner), mummy too is probably glad for some peace (and the little drops). so one by one the herd disperses, no one wants to be the last one, the straggler left at the mercy of the predator. and everyone hopes it isn't them who the predator will choose to accompany that day (that this will happen is generally a safe bet).

    like i said i just don't know what to do. out of sheer self defense i mastered the ancient art of the "blank stare" and even modified it a bit. this is when you gaze unblinkingly at the aggressor, giving the appearance of attention, while secretly booking a ticket on the first thought that will drift you out of there and thereby protect your ever so sensitive brain. this is greatly aided by creating "play lists" like 'uhuh, really, cool, that's interesting, you don't say, i never would have guessed, and then what?'  these should be set on shuffle and loop for best effect. but one has to be careful. the other day i was using this technique when suddenly i realised that the person was telling me a "tragic" story (probably some prey that escaped) so i immediately had to change to "sympathy setting" and throw in some 'oho, that's too bad, you ok na?, don't worry everything will be alright, take care'. admittedly this requires a degree of attention but it does give some respite.

    but of late even the blank stare has deserted me. i have met a predator so relentless, so skilled and so diabolically unaware of being a predator that i feel hopeless. slowly my defenses are being breached and the layers peeled away to reveal the inner core. soon critical mass will be reached and then i hope i will not be blamed for what happens and that my cell will be well padded and comfortable and that the nightmares of filed nails will be drowned by medication. i hope i can escape i must believe i can. if someone out there has an answer anything at all that might save me, please help me..........already i can hear the screeching and see the glint of those nails.

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